Hello all.
In a rare moment of self-indulgence (I’m kidding, this whole thing is a big pile of me-ness), I’m electing to have a bit of a blog on recent activities in my life.
I started graduate school two weeks ago. I have been overwhelmed, anxious, sick of the subway, and generally confused since then. Until today. I reached a point where I simply wandered into the next room, away from my computer and my television… Away from G-chat, Netflix, music and all the other software distractions available. I sat on a couch, in a silent room, and opened a book.
I finished two chapters in about an hour, the third took just as long again after a quick break. And suddenly all the anxiety disappeared. I would leap to the conclusion that much of the tension and discomfort I’ve experienced in my life is due to not living up to what I say I am. Which is something that I do fairly often, as a wishy-washy person who is terrified of both failure and success.
I walked to the corner store to grab a soda and felt lighter, felt a weight beginning to shift off my shoulders. The most important thing, of course, is that I felt competent. It doesn’t matter whether or not I feel confident, because I simply don’t know as yet how good my best is. However, I can definitely say that I am doing my best, for the first time in a while.
The other remarkable thing was that, while I was sitting here with the shocking heft of a textbook in my lap, I actually found myself enjoying the material. I found myself fascinated, and applying examples from my own life to the various theories and discussions held within the mighty tome. This may seem obvious to some as I have clearly gone through the process of applying to graduate school, but the fact that it didn’t feel too much like work? That’s a serious bonus.
And something I’d forgotten. I had forgotten what it felt like to learn because you’re interested, and to do what you have to do because you enjoy it as well as because you have to do it. I had become mired down in a bog of transportational concerns, locating textbooks for less than $200 apiece, and the horrible swampland that is the financial aid system.
Now I feel like I’ve finally got a bit of ground under my feet.
Fiction to follow soonish, as time allows. Cycle 7 will be another 10-part story. Please read back-posts and comment as you see fit.
Thanks for reading my rant, if you made it this far. Go out and do what you say you do already, and you’ll feel a world of difference. That’s my only advice for today.
RJC
No Comments